


Goodbye My Lover

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Season/Series 05, Songfic, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-06-20
Updated: 2005-06-20
Packaged: 2018-12-27 11:39:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12080310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Chapter 5 spoilers, brians way of saying goodbye. Songfic.





	Goodbye My Lover

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Hey everyone, I feel a bit guilty writing this because I haven’t finished my other story and I’m under deadline for my Masters thesis. I just bought a new CD by an English artist James Blunt, he’s fairly new so not many will have heard it, but song 4 just spoke to me especially in context of what I have heard is going to happen at the end of Season 5. This song will really make you cry and I recommend everyone that can listen to it. Anyway it inspired this little story and I just had to right it quick.

Just a quick edit, I know I dont like songfics if I can't here the song, so here is a link. This site streams the songs from the album, but you have to listen through the first three to get to it.

http://www.hyperlaunch.com/jamesblunt/

* * *

Justin moved around the party feeling lost. He shouldn’t, the party was for him, the big sign over the door said so, but he had been once again upstaged by his partner, not by his presence but by his absence. 

“I can’t believe he didn’t come” he overheard Debbie whispering to his mother, both of them throwing him concerned looks. “I mean he’s leaving maybe for good and after five years the asshole can’t even show up to say goodbye.”

“Once a self centred bastard, always a self centred bastard” he heard Melanie, not whispering to Ted, “I can’t believe I actually thought he was changing.”

Justin looked around the party at his friends and family gathered in Debbie’s living room to say goodbye before he left for New York. He could tell from the sympathetic looks he was getting that Brian’s absence was the topic on everyone’s lips and how they saw that absence. Inside he laughed to himself and felt a quite sense of pride. It was amazing how little, these people who had known Brian for so long, knew him.

Justin went over and stood by Michael at the kitchen counter and poured himself a drink.

“It was wrong of him not to be here, you at least deserve a goodbye. I mean after everything”, Michael told Justin, looking ashamed for his friend.

Justin gave Michael a sad knowing smile, “I’m not mad. I no him well enough by now to know that him not being here is not a sign that he doesn’t care. If he didn’t he would have no problem saying goodbye. He not here because he can’t handle it, because it’s too hard and that’s kind of says more than goodbye.” 

“I see someone’s been keeping the Brian Kinney handbook close. But still…”

“I know, it would be nice to see him once more before I go, but I know that once more won’t be enough, that I could say goodbye to him a thousand times face to face and it still wont make this easier, so maybe he choose the right way.”

“You don’t have to go”, Michael entreated softly, “You know how much he needs you, but he won’t ask you to stay, it’s not his way.”

“I know, and I know he’d like me to stay, but this time he’s right I have to go. I need to discover who I am, who I can be, before I can let myself become truly part of him. I just hope that it’s not the end, that he’ll still be here when I’ve finished growing that extra little bit, cause I can’t imagine a future that’s not with him, at least not one in which I’m happy.” 

“Well there are no guarantees, but considering how long it took you to burrow your way under his walls, I think you have time before anyone else gets close to his heart. I hate to think of him alone though, my biggest fear is that he’ll self destruct.”

At this Justin looked pleadingly at Michael and asked “Promise me you’ll take care of him Michael, that you won’t let him retreat into himself and cut people out again. I know that he acts like he hated it when we push but he hates being alone really. Promise me you won’t let him be alone, keep him safe until I can come back.”

“Are you sure you are going to be coming back, cause I’m not going to encourage him to wait if you are just going to forget about him once you start your new life.”

“I’ll be back, I swear. I could never forget Brian even if I wanted to he’s embedded in my soul.”

“Then I’ll do my best to keep him safe, but I’m not promising anything, you know what he’s like”

“I do, just do your best. Well I guess its time to go,” Justin said as he seen his mother gesturing over to him. “Its kind of scary you know, I mean when I went to LA it was just like a big adventure, not really real you know, but this time I feel like this is it, this is my shot, I’m sacrificing everything to take this chance and if I blow it I’m screwed. I could lose everything, but I think I’d lose it quicker if I didn’t take the shot.”  
Michael gave the young man a hug, amused that he was sorry to see him go. He once would have given everything to see him disappear, now he’s one of his best friends, a brother even. “Goodbye Justin, I know your going to be a huge success and when you make all your dreams come true come back and we will all help you celebrate. Have fun and don’t worry”

“Come on Michael don’t cry”, Justin joked as he watched the man wipe away a stray tear and he tried to hold back the ones he felt building. “If Rage could see us now, he’d call us both pathetic and slap us round the head.”

“I know”, Michael got control of himself and gave Justin one last manly handshake “Bye Justin”

“Bye Michael.”

Justin went quickly around the room exchanging fast hugs and kisses from his friends. These people had been his family, his support system for so long now that he dreaded living without seeing them everyday. A part of him was excited though, this was his chance to see what he was made of , to ride without the training wheels, and maybe when he’d done that, when he’d finally become the best homosexual he could be, he’d be worthy of marrying Brian, of being his equal partner for life.

He joined his mom and Daphne waiting at the door with his bags and with one last wave goodbye, he was out the door his ears full of well wishes. He looked around part of him still hoping to see Brian coming for one last goodbye, but he knew it was pointless. That just wasn’t Brian’s way. He was surprised then to find a letter on the passenger seat of his mother’s car when he got in. Inside he found a CD along with a note.

_“Sorry I wasn’t there to see you off sunshine, but I was kind of afraid that if I was there I won’t be able to let you go and you need to go._

_I will always feel guilty if I held you back and stopped you from fulfilling your dreams. But know that just because I’m letting you go it doesn’t mean I’m not still holding on._

_Till the next time._

_Later Brian._

_PS song 4 says goodbye better than I could.”_

“What’s in the letter J?” Daphne asked from the back seat trying to read over his shoulder. 

“It’s a letter from Brian and a CD, he wants me to play a song on it.”

“Well I still the bastard should have shown up, but I guess that’s kind of romantic. What’s the CD?” she asked.

“James Blunt”, Justin answered looking at the cover.

“Never heard of him” 

“Me neither, but he’s been listening to a lot of English and Irish songwriters lately so maybe its one of them.”

“What’s the name of the song?” she asked interested.

Justin checked and turned to her with a sad smile “Goodbye My Lover”

“Oh how sweet, put it on, put it on” she demanded gesturing towards the cars CD player. 

Justin hesitated “I don’t know maybe I should wait till I’m alone.”

“Don’t you dare, I have put up with the aftermath of Brian Kinney’s crap to many times, if he’s finally going to get romantic I want to here about it. What do you think Mrs Taylor?” She asked

Justin’s mother turned to him and gave him an apologetic smile. “I have to admit I’m kind of curious, put it on”

Justin looked between the two of them and then gave up with a sigh at put in the CD. He couldn’t really wait to hear it either. When the piano began to play its soft tones however he nearly lost it before the words began.

 

**  
Did I disappoint you or let you down?  
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?  
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,  
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.  
So I took what's mine by eternal right.  
Took your soul out into the night.  
It may be over but it won't stop there,  
I am here for you if you'd only care.  
You touched my heart you touched my soul.  
You changed my life and all my goals.  
And love is blind and that I knew when,  
My heart was blinded by you.  
I've kissed your lips and held your head.  
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.  
I know you well, I know your smell.  
I've been addicted to you.**

**Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me.**

**I am a dreamer but when I wake,  
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.  
And as you move on, remember me,  
Remember us and all we used to be  
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.  
I've watched you sleeping for a while.  
I'd be the father of your child.  
I'd spend a lifetime with you.  
I know your fears and you know mine.  
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,  
And I love you, I swear that's true.  
I cannot live without you.**

**Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me.**

**And I still hold your hand in mine.  
In mine when I'm asleep.  
And I will bear my soul in time,  
When I'm kneeling at your feet.  
Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me.  
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.  
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.**

**By James Blunt**

 

By the song was over, tears where running down everyone’s face and Jennifer was having trouble driving. Justin had turned away from them and was staring out the window. He was fighting the urge to tell his mother to turn the car around, listing all the reasons he needed to go in his head. This was something he could cherish however, it gave him the strength to do what he needed and the hope that in the end he could have everything. He was saying goodbye now, but he’d be back. As he hit replay on the CD player he knew he’d be back.


End file.
